Monday, November 25, 2013

Chemo was easy peasy today. Needle went right in, no digging for veins and not too much pain. I only had one chemo therapy today. Next Monday I have 3 different chemo therapies, one right after the other, so it’s an all day affair. I feel like I have been poisoned but my vitals are good, my heart rate is stable and no fevers, so I will take it. The loss of feeling in my fingers is the same. My blood work wasn’t terrible today, my white counts were very low but that’s to be expected. Red counts were low but not too low. Platelets were good. My liver and kidney functions were elevated since the previous week (like more than double) but my Chemo nurse told me that’s to be expected because the toxic drugs make my organs work harder and elevates the levels. This I don’t like, because if the chemo is not killing the tumors in my liver than my liver functions will also go up so it’s hard sometimes to look at those numbers. And my kidneys are being poisoned as well. Good times.

Here’s something for people who don’t know me. Tomorrow is November 26. I buried my twin baby boys 11 years ago tomorrow. They are so loved up in heaven with my family and friends I have unfortunately lost. I pray all the time to them, I think they are being selfish little boys right now, they need to understand that their baby sisters need their mother to stay here alive and well with them. I almost feel like I am being pulled in 2 directions. I need my baby boys to rest easy and look over us here where the girls and I belong.

I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! This post is in no way negative, just a real update on my life and journey. I am happy and grateful and have so much to be thankful for. I am lucky and blessed. Love to you all and thanks for the continued love, thoughts and prayers because they are working, I truly believe that without my family and friends and all of you who take the time to read this, that I would be worse off if I didn’t have all the love coming my way. I can feel it and I can’t thank you all enough!


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Getting ready for another round of Chemo tomorrow.  This week was more of an emotional wreck than a physical wreck.  As positive as I am and as positive as the people, places and things are in my life, I definitely have my break down/shut down moments.  Sometimes, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror.  I feel like I look like the poster child for a “cancer patient”.  Skinny, bald and pale.  Even when I put a wig on and some make-up, I feel like it doesn’t even look close to “me”.  Lately, Hannah has been saying to me, “Mama, I love you just the way you are”.  This makes me happy and sad.  I don’t have these moments often, but having terminal cancer is real, it’s not something that can be fixed.  I have been given hope of a “good” quality of life and to be able to live with tolerable (and hopefully improving) pain.  I have pain, but its tolerable and I can manage it with Tylenol  and positioning.  It’s going to get worse as the Chemo kills the cancer cells, but knowing this makes it much more tolerable.  My memory is TERRIBLE.  My goodness, I can’t remember anything lately and I am always questioning myself.  I’m told this is chemo brain and it will get better, but It’s frustrating.  The neuropathy has started, which is probably the most upsetting side effect for me.  I cannot feel the ring fingers on both my hands, they are completely dead and the tips of my middle fingers and thumbs on both hands are numb.  I almost cut my left ring finger with scissors because of this.  I’m terrified of this neuropathy because it most likely is going to get worse and could potentially be permanent.  I was also told that it can happen in my toes as well. 

My next scans have been changed to January 8th.  This is the hardest part of it all.  Harder than having the chemo pumped through my veins.  I was hoping for some good news before Christmas but the doctors told me I need 9 rounds of these Chemos before they will scan me to see what is going on.  I can feel the breast tumor reduction which gives me peace of mind, but I can’t feel the liver or bone tumors and I hate this.  I can feel the pain in my liver and bones and I just tell myself that it is the chemo working and doing what it is supposed to do. 

The kids had a great weekend.  It went by too fast.  All 6 of us made it to Santa which was huge.  It filled my heart with so much.  When you are faced with this battle, sometimes its hard to have long term goals and look forward to things but I will tell you, that seeing those 4 kids sitting with Santa made me forget that I have Breast Cancer. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

XO, Jessica

November 18

I have to add on a huge apology to all the peeps that I haven’t gotten back to yet.  I (My Family) are so blessed with the outpour of LOVE, SUPPORT, GENEROSITY and PRAYERS that it 200% is part of what keeps me so positive.  I could NEVER do this without my Family, but the love and support from our friends and the community is just amazing and it makes me fight harder.  So, a HUGE THANK YOU and I am working on my correspondences!!

LOVE TO ALL, Jessica

p.s. I had Chemo today and there IS such thing as Chemo brain.  Hannah asked for a grilled cheese and I put it in the pan to cook and then I went in the bathroom to get a flat brush to flip it.  I had to start over. 

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Well as I head to NY for a few days of meetings, I feel myself wanting to blog and update everyone on our world. Jess does such a good job of giving us the boring medical garbage, I love that I get to be the entertaining one.

Where to start. Let’s cover the cancer piece first. Jess had her 1st “new” chemo session Monday, Nov 11th and her week following was the best she has had. For me, I don’t really get the “chemo” part. Ok. So it’s poison and it’s going after all the bad stuff in her. But I don’t get to see that. What I get to see is whether or not my girl has energy, feels good and we can pretend to be “normal” until the next chemo session.

When Jess is on, she is so funny. Just gets so much done. Cleaning, cooking – see Jess is a worker. She is a no BS, let me go get crap done chick. I love that about her and for me, it’s the part that is hard to watch. The old chemo wiped her out and she couldn’t do anything. That’s just not her. Happy to say the new chemo didn’t wipe her out and she had a great week. The best one she has had in some time.

We had no trips to the ER, no fevers, she got to be normal for a week. I was so happy for her. Today we had another round of chemo so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

Little insert. Thanks so much to Debbie (Jess’ Mom) for being there and watching the kids. Just huge. But if she takes my chocolate, I’m not sure we’ll invite her to the wedding. I do have my rules! Ha

Auntie Lisa gets her usually thanks. Had the girls Saturday night and they just love their time with her. She is a great kid.

Jess’ cousin Rachael came to see her in the hospital. Brought her flowers. It’s the first time I’ve met her. She is just a kid. Cute. Works as a nurse too. I could tell Jess had fun catching up with her.

In other news, yes, Jess and I got engaged. This really shouldn’t come as a surprise. She moved in with the two rats last January. Did you really think I was going to have her and these kids move in without knowing I was going to spend the rest of my life with her? Come on people. I’ve said this 1000 times, I’m a smart guy. I’ve been given a new lease on life and I can tell you the only people who get in my life these days are the real special. Jess is just that wonderful. Oh and trust me, she can be a bitch. It’s rare, but it’s there. It’s much more of her being stubborn than a bitch but it’s still so rare, I get in more trouble cuz I think it’s so cute. It normally happens when I don’t do what I’m suppose to. It is so rare that I laugh most of the time. I’m very lucky. And yes. I do realize she gets Superman. It’s that win win people always talk about. Hee hee!

We had no kids this weekend so we did what all young and sexy couples do, we went to Whole Foods and Shaws to get things done which are impossible when we have all the kids! Ha. We did get to have dinner and drinks at Nellos in Ashland. It was perfect. It was the place we first met. Just chance, fate, karma, call it what you want. I will always call it God sending me my guarding angel. Wasn’t a great time for me and boom! He sends me Jess. Rest is history as they say.

Anyways, I grabbed Jess, leaned it, like I was gonna make one of my slick moves and asked her and her girls to spend the rest of their life with me. I can’t be sure but I think she may have thrown up a bit. I don’t think she believed I was serious at first. But after two or three hours of begging, she said yes. It was cool. There was no ring (give me some time, she will get what she deserves!), no crazy ceremony, I just wanted her to know that she is a permanent part of my life and I will promise to look after her and her girls under I got nothing left. Funny part is now I expect her to do the same for me and my punks which is a full time job. Ha!

Jess also got to move the crib around. We moved the girls all into one room. It’s a pink, stuffed animal factory. Three beds, so much room, came out awesome. Hannah and Izzy absolutely loved it. Brutal for a guy but the three hens will love it. Courtney probably gets the best hookup because the bunk beds went down stairs in Justin’s room. She will probably split her time upstairs and down.

My office is now in our bedroom and it’s awesome. I was just working off the kitchen area but now I got a desk and it’s great. Again, Jess feeling good, everything gets handle. Little miracle worker. She is too funny. I must remember to thank Bob (Jess’ Dad) and Michelle (Step-Mom) for coming over to help. I’m useless with tools and stuff, and he is awesome. So I held up the wall and watched him put the bunk beds together. I’m sure he is so psyched for his daughter. Ha!

I think that’s the update. No wedding date will be set for a while. We will get this cancer thing under control. Big Daddy is gonna go make some cash so we can get into a house but rest assured Jess and I will have a big party, some way, some how. Everyone and I mean everyone will be invited. Especially my peeps who haven’t met her yet.

Lots to do. As always, I feel so blessed to be where I am. Four kids, all sorts of stuff to do and I get to do it all with my best friend. See everyone has crap in their life. We have it, I’m sure you all do too but I choose to see the great that is this life. She will smack this cancer. It will get under control so I can be a complete pain for the next 40-50 years to her. Plus, I’m sure all four kids will be living with us still! Ha !

Until next time…loves