Getting ready for another round of Chemo tomorrow. This week was more of an emotional wreck than a physical wreck. As positive as I am and as positive as the people, places and things are in my life, I definitely have my break down/shut down moments. Sometimes, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like I look like the poster child for a “cancer patient”. Skinny, bald and pale. Even when I put a wig on and some make-up, I feel like it doesn’t even look close to “me”. Lately, Hannah has been saying to me, “Mama, I love you just the way you are”. This makes me happy and sad. I don’t have these moments often, but having terminal cancer is real, it’s not something that can be fixed. I have been given hope of a “good” quality of life and to be able to live with tolerable (and hopefully improving) pain. I have pain, but its tolerable and I can manage it with Tylenol and positioning. It’s going to get worse as the Chemo kills the cancer cells, but knowing this makes it much more tolerable. My memory is TERRIBLE. My goodness, I can’t remember anything lately and I am always questioning myself. I’m told this is chemo brain and it will get better, but It’s frustrating. The neuropathy has started, which is probably the most upsetting side effect for me. I cannot feel the ring fingers on both my hands, they are completely dead and the tips of my middle fingers and thumbs on both hands are numb. I almost cut my left ring finger with scissors because of this. I’m terrified of this neuropathy because it most likely is going to get worse and could potentially be permanent. I was also told that it can happen in my toes as well.
My next scans have been changed to January 8th. This is the hardest part of it all. Harder than having the chemo pumped through my veins. I was hoping for some good news before Christmas but the doctors told me I need 9 rounds of these Chemos before they will scan me to see what is going on. I can feel the breast tumor reduction which gives me peace of mind, but I can’t feel the liver or bone tumors and I hate this. I can feel the pain in my liver and bones and I just tell myself that it is the chemo working and doing what it is supposed to do.
The kids had a great weekend. It went by too fast. All 6 of us made it to Santa which was huge. It filled my heart with so much. When you are faced with this battle, sometimes its hard to have long term goals and look forward to things but I will tell you, that seeing those 4 kids sitting with Santa made me forget that I have Breast Cancer.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.