Sunday, November 24, 2013

Getting ready for another round of Chemo tomorrow.  This week was more of an emotional wreck than a physical wreck.  As positive as I am and as positive as the people, places and things are in my life, I definitely have my break down/shut down moments.  Sometimes, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror.  I feel like I look like the poster child for a “cancer patient”.  Skinny, bald and pale.  Even when I put a wig on and some make-up, I feel like it doesn’t even look close to “me”.  Lately, Hannah has been saying to me, “Mama, I love you just the way you are”.  This makes me happy and sad.  I don’t have these moments often, but having terminal cancer is real, it’s not something that can be fixed.  I have been given hope of a “good” quality of life and to be able to live with tolerable (and hopefully improving) pain.  I have pain, but its tolerable and I can manage it with Tylenol  and positioning.  It’s going to get worse as the Chemo kills the cancer cells, but knowing this makes it much more tolerable.  My memory is TERRIBLE.  My goodness, I can’t remember anything lately and I am always questioning myself.  I’m told this is chemo brain and it will get better, but It’s frustrating.  The neuropathy has started, which is probably the most upsetting side effect for me.  I cannot feel the ring fingers on both my hands, they are completely dead and the tips of my middle fingers and thumbs on both hands are numb.  I almost cut my left ring finger with scissors because of this.  I’m terrified of this neuropathy because it most likely is going to get worse and could potentially be permanent.  I was also told that it can happen in my toes as well. 

My next scans have been changed to January 8th.  This is the hardest part of it all.  Harder than having the chemo pumped through my veins.  I was hoping for some good news before Christmas but the doctors told me I need 9 rounds of these Chemos before they will scan me to see what is going on.  I can feel the breast tumor reduction which gives me peace of mind, but I can’t feel the liver or bone tumors and I hate this.  I can feel the pain in my liver and bones and I just tell myself that it is the chemo working and doing what it is supposed to do. 

The kids had a great weekend.  It went by too fast.  All 6 of us made it to Santa which was huge.  It filled my heart with so much.  When you are faced with this battle, sometimes its hard to have long term goals and look forward to things but I will tell you, that seeing those 4 kids sitting with Santa made me forget that I have Breast Cancer. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

XO, Jessica

5 thoughts on “Sunday, November 24, 2013

  1. Jess you inspire me on a daily basis. Your daughters are so lucky to have the most amazing Mom. I am truly sorry you have bad days and days you dont want to look in the mirror. If it helps at all you are the most beautiful women both inside and out. If there is a poster child of cancer it would be proud to have your smile representing. It sucks you and so many face this horrible disease, and suffer the consequences of the cure…I pray for you……

  2. There is not a single person reading this that doesn’t wish they could take the pain away from you and make your cancer disappear. You are a warrior. You have figured out the true meaning of life and you are living your life with purpose and intent. There are so many people who are not fortunate enough to have such vision. This is a gift. And it is truly remarkable to witness it in both you and Scott. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. When you feel alone, remember that you have created a cozy little corner on the Internet where there is a crowd of fans cheering you on and lifting you up.

  3. Crying, to only have the strength and courage you have would be remarkable. Your picture is beautiful, as well as your family. Enjoy this upcoming holiday, god bless.

  4. Jess, the courage, strength and inspiration you posess is truely remarkable. I see in you what I saw in my sister when she battled with terminal breast cancer. Fight tooth and nail. Keep smiling and being positive. Cancer sucks but it’s battling a true warrior who won’t give up or give in. May God continue to give you strength and may you continue to provide inspiration to all who read these blogs and know you. I wish you and your beautiful family a blessed Thanksgiving.
    Love and prayers,

  5. God Bless you Jess! You are AMAZING! Kids in Heaven and On Earth.You Are the most Beautiful Poster Child I seen. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Hugs to all Postive Energy coming your way!

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