Saturday Feb 1st, 2014

I can’t believe it is already February 1st.  Sometimes the time flies by and sometimes I feel like it is dragging along.  Monday morning my port gets placed in my chest at 6 am, it is a surgical procedure and I have to go under anesthesia.  After surgery, I have to go over to the infusion floor and get 5 hours of chemotherapy.  They are going to access my port while I am still in the operating room and not awake so my chemo nurse just has to hook up the tube to my chest.  All of this is making me lose sleep.  I have been putting off the thought of having the port placed because every week when I have chemo, the nurse removes the catheter out of my right arm/hand and then I go home with just some pain and bruises.  NOW, I will have this thing in my chest.  It is really hard on me emotionally because it makes everything a little more real for me.  I have my moments where I can totally forget about the fact that I have stage 4 breast cancer.  Most of these moments are when I am with my children because they have this magical way of treating me like I am not sick.  Its like everything is normal for them, they don’t walk on egg shells around me and they are not scared of me.  Now that I am having the port placed, I know it is a permanent fixture and it will remind me every single day that I need to have treatment for as long as I live.  I do know that it will be much easier on my body physically but I still don’t want it. 

Its amazing how my kids have adapted to this new version of me.  Izzy (3 1/2) comes home from preschool last week and says “Mama, I told my teacher that the doctors have to open up your chest to make you all better and I will take care of you forever.” My kids are so brave and so strong, I don’t think I would be this strong and positive if it wasn’t for them and their strength.  There are days where I hurt and my legs are so swollen and I am really struggling and I just want to stay in bed or lock myself in a room.  I have never given in to the pain or the emotions because of the kids and Scott, I find a way to push it all out of the way and do what I have to do.  I have my wtf moments where I still cannot believe what has happened to me but there is no time in my life for pity parties.  I know that my time is limited now and I have to make the most of it, sick or not.  My kids deserve it and I will not let them down.  They are such brave little girls and I am so proud of them. 

There is one chemo that I am on currently that has some pretty nasty side effects.  I was informed that one of the side effects would be my finger nails and toe nails would fall off.  I did not think it would be this bad.  My finger nails are literally oozing and are green, yellow and purple and SO painful and SO gross.  I couldn’t even remove my nail polish on my own, my chemo nurse had to do it.  They are lifted off the nail bed and it hurts to do anything.  I have to wear rubber gloves most of the time when I use my hands.  I would rather have no hair for the rest of my life than no finger nails.  I don’t like getting into the yuckiness of it all, but because of this condition now, I cant even type on the computer the same way, I have to use one finger at a time.  Once I stop this particular chemo, they will be back to normal. 

Since my diagnosis, I haven’t really felt self conscious when out in public but lately when I am with my kids I have been feeling it a bit.  I see the way people look at me when I am alone with my kids and someone hears them say “Mommy”.  FACT: adults stare more than kids.

Once again, I am humbled and so grateful to the amazing supporters that I have.  I am so lucky to have an amazing man, children and family.  I know that some are not as fortunate in this way and I cannot even imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have them.  I never take anything for granted, ever.  My oncologist likes to tell me “this is a marathon, not a sprint.” 

Happy February everyone, make everything count.

Love, Jessica

5 thoughts on “Saturday Feb 1st, 2014

  1. Hi Jess,

    I know you don’t know me but I wanted to reach out to you because I believe we (Friends of Kate) might be able to give you some support. If you or someone in your circle has a minute please go to our website. If you are interested please feel free to reach it to us. My direct contact is scott@friendsofkate.org. (see below)

     Friends of Kate is a non-profit organization aimed at providing support for families fighting cancer. We at Friends of Kate understand how hard it can be to manage a traumatic illness and maintain financial stability in the home. We hope to reduce that stress by helping to create fundraising opportunities for the families that need us the most.

    Scott

  2. Morning Jess Strong! You and your Family are Amazing ! Keep up the good work. Postiive Prayers and Energy coming your way!!

  3. You are an amazing woman….an inspiration to all. My thoughts are with you today and always! Stay strong.
    Love you Jes!!

  4. You look so incredibly beautiful with your girls ! Love your positive blogs, your WTF moments are yours and yours only !!! Use them and enjoy them ! Love you hunny ! Cuz Donna

  5. Hi Jess, You don’t know me, but I’m Auntie Lisa’s boyfriends, cousin, Leah. I live in Los Angeles, but I am from Milford. I have been glued to my computer reading this blog, crying and laughing and I just think you are the most unbelievable and inspiring woman. You look so beautiful in all your pics and you are a constant reminder of how strong a woman is. HUGE shout out to Scott too! what a guy! you guys are all awesome and I love reading your blog and following your journey! Thank you so much for letting me into your world. I am sending you SO MUCH love, prayers and good vibes from California.

    Love, Leah Duridas

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