I’m sitting in the hospital right now in between scans. I should be resting as I sit here by myself but that is not the case. I did not sleep well last night. I have been here all day, getting poked and scanned, I’ve got about 3 hours left and then I can go home. I am quite anxious about these particular tests today, even though they are the same ones I get every 12 weeks. It has been one year this week since my diagnosis of breast cancer. One year. Hard for me to use the word anniversary. As I sit here and reflect on the last 12 months….holy shit. I remember coming home the day I found out like it was yesterday. I remember the clothes I was wearing, I remember seeing my kids for the first time after learning I had cancer. As I sit here today, I remember the first time I stepped into this hospital and meeting my team and learning what was in store for me and my future. When you hear the words “you have breast cancer”, you never forget the tone it was said to you. You never forget the initial statistics that are laid in front of you…15% chance to live 5 years. 2 years to live with my advanced and aggressive form of hormone positive cancer. I remember walking out and just saying to myself “I can’t wait to start treatment!” “Let’s get this fucking cancer out of my body so I can get back to my life and my kids and my family.”
“I don’t have time for cancer.”
I wish you could be in my head as I think back to all the amazing and wonderful people (some of whom had no idea who I was) that reached out to me and my family. The gifts that were brought over for us, the food that was made for us. It just seems surreal. I look back at pictures and I was sooo sickly looking and pale and bald and yuck. I took the bull by the horns and have been fighting this thing with all that I have. I have not given in to any part of this and believe me there have been times where I have wanted to. There have been nights where I have cried to my husband and told him that I didn’t want to be sick anymore and I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. He never accepted that and never let me get down. He got right in my face and told me what I had to do and that he would be right beside me every step of the way. And he has done just that. I have been so blessed these past 12 months with love and support from family, friends and complete strangers that there is no way I could ever give up. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all that has been done for my family and I. Scott and the kids have been through so much and seen so much in the past 12 months that they simply amaze me. They deserve the superman capes for getting through this past year.
As of right now I have been pretty stable. Physically and emotionally! I go for my infusions every 3 weeks and I continue to live my life as normal as I can. My kids use the word “chemo” in their daily vocab. I’ve got this crazy hair on my head that actually needs to be tamed. I’m being medically pushed through menopause right now and I have ridiculous hot flashes. I’ve got the usual aches and pains from the cancer itself and also from the side effects of some of my meds, but LIFE IS GOOD. I love my life. I hate cancer but I love my life and I am a happy girl.
I’m about to step into my last machine for the day, so, fingers crossed!
I will have some more updates soon, as I get all my test results back and I meet with the doctors to discuss treatment plans. This is the “scanxiety” part.