Tuesday July 22, 2014

I’m sitting in the hospital right now in between scans. I should be resting as I sit here by myself but that is not the case. I did not sleep well last night. I have been here all day, getting poked and scanned, I’ve got about 3 hours left and then I can go home. I am quite anxious about these particular tests today, even though they are the same ones I get every 12 weeks. It has been one year this week since my diagnosis of breast cancer. One year. Hard for me to use the word anniversary. As I sit here and reflect on the last 12 months….holy shit. I remember coming home the day I found out like it was yesterday. I remember the clothes I was wearing, I remember seeing my kids for the first time after learning I had cancer. As I sit here today, I remember the first time I stepped into this hospital and meeting my team and learning what was in store for me and my future. When you hear the words “you have breast cancer”, you never forget the tone it was said to you. You never forget the initial statistics that are laid in front of you…15% chance to live 5 years. 2 years to live with my advanced and aggressive form of hormone positive cancer. I remember walking out and just saying to myself “I can’t wait to start treatment!” “Let’s get this fucking cancer out of my body so I can get back to my life and my kids and my family.”

“I don’t have time for cancer.”

I wish you could be in my head as I think back to all the amazing and wonderful people (some of whom had no idea who I was) that reached out to me and my family. The gifts that were brought over for us, the food that was made for us. It just seems surreal. I look back at pictures and I was sooo sickly looking and pale and bald and yuck. I took the bull by the horns and have been fighting this thing with all that I have. I have not given in to any part of this and believe me there have been times where I have wanted to. There have been nights where I have cried to my husband and told him that I didn’t want to be sick anymore and I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. He never accepted that and never let me get down. He got right in my face and told me what I had to do and that he would be right beside me every step of the way. And he has done just that. I have been so blessed these past 12 months with love and support from family, friends and complete strangers that there is no way I could ever give up. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all that has been done for my family and I. Scott and the kids have been through so much and seen so much in the past 12 months that they simply amaze me. They deserve the superman capes for getting through this past year.

As of right now I have been pretty stable. Physically and emotionally! I go for my infusions every 3 weeks and I continue to live my life as normal as I can. My kids use the word “chemo” in their daily vocab. I’ve got this crazy hair on my head that actually needs to be tamed. I’m being medically pushed through menopause right now and I have ridiculous hot flashes. I’ve got the usual aches and pains from the cancer itself and also from the side effects of some of my meds, but LIFE IS GOOD. I love my life. I hate cancer but I love my life and I am a happy girl.

I’m about to step into my last machine for the day, so, fingers crossed!

I will have some more updates soon, as I get all my test results back and I meet with the doctors to discuss treatment plans. This is the “scanxiety” part.

6 thoughts on “Tuesday July 22, 2014

  1. It’s been 11 months since I lost my Sharon to epilepsy. I didn’t realize your diagnosis was so close to her leaving us. You are amazing.. Your outlook and attitude is an inspiration to everyone who is suffering, whatever that may be. I pray for good scans today 🙂

  2. You are am amazing person. I am so happy you and Scott found each other. I look forward to someday moving back to MA so I can meet you personally. You inspire with your words and your courage, your zest for life and your amazing ability to continue to fight. You teach me with every post something, you inspire me to find something inside me that I didn’t know was there. All kinds of good wishes coming your way!

      • Hi Jessica:) You don’t know me but my name is Lisa Sohaskey. I graduated Ashland high school class of 92. My younger sister Tammy Tann also has the hormone positive breast cancer and she is young like you, age 35 at diagnosis. A friend on her facebook referenced you a couple of months ago and I clicked and read your blog, and have been following your story ever since. I was with my sister at her diagnosis and I have gone to all of her appointments, scans and chemo treatments. I just wanted to tell you that you really are an inspiration to everyone around you!! We have never met but your story has given me strength and positive energy when it comes to helping my sister and our family with this. She is doing well thus far and of course has unexpected hiccups along the way but has a great attitude, like you. I know your road has been really tough and I have seen it first hand with my sister .. It amazes me how positive you are and thank goodness my sister has been able to find that strength and stay positive as well:) I wish you and your family the very best! Stay strong and positive and most importantly keep fighting!!!!! You and your family are in my prayers, wishing you good health and happiness! xoxoxo

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