The girls and I were at church this morning. Right now, they are the type of kids that go to bed Saturday night and have their clothes laid out for church in the morning. I remember being excited for church when I was kid but then got to the stage where I had to be dragged out of bed to go. I disliked wearing those dresses and I had anxiety about how many shades of lipstick I was going to have on my cheeks from all the Grandmothers in the front pews kissing my face. But, I made it through! I heard a great message at church today and it was appropriate to start out the new year with a positive message. I feel so good about 2015 and I feel like I can finally move forward now that Cancer doesn’t define me anymore and I have overcome most of my fears. I have no idea what God has in store for me this year.
I do know that I have Cancer, I am realist. I don’t pretend like it’s not a big deal. I know that I have to be on treatment for the rest of my life. I know that my immune system is crap. I know that the tiniest sneeze in my direction could lead to a 2 week hospital stay away from my children. Not only do I know all of these things, everyone close to me knows these things too and are so supportive and caring. If I back away from you and don’t welcome a hug or a handshake, please don’t take it personal, I need to protect myself. I don’t necessary think you have the plague but it might as well be. I don’t have the immune system that most have to fight off tiny colds and viruses and they are debilitating to me and could potentially be fatal.
The one thing that I look forward to every three weeks with my chemo treatment is my blood work. Strange, I know, but I am being kept alive with chemicals and some of these chemicals are very toxic to healthy organs in my body so I NEED to see those numbers. I can’t get them fast enough, I have online access to my records so I check and check until they are posted. I want to know what my blood counts are, my liver functions, my bilirubin, my calcium levels, my tumor markers, EVERYTHING. All these numbers and results change every three weeks. They have all been on a pretty good path lately 🙂