I met with my Oncologist yesterday.  Always an anxious visit.  First of all, I was sitting in the waiting room (which is a zoo on Monday mornings) and these people next to me started to tell me how wonderful I look.  They then tell me that they have been watching me for over a year and can’t believe I have come so far and that they are so happy to see that I am at the end of my treatment.  I had no idea who these peeps were and I don’t ever recall seeing them but I’m not much of a people watcher on the cancer floor.  One of them was clearly a patient.  I certainly am a frequent flyer there because for a long time I was on that floor every single Monday, now its just every 3rd Monday although I’ve always kept a low profile.  As you can imagine, these comments took me for surprise.  I thanked them for the compliments and well wishes.  I didn’t tell them that I wasn’t done with treatments.  Maybe sometimes you can give someone a little bit of hope by just smiling and being positive.

My physical exam was as expected.  I’ve got some swollen lymph nodes, lots of ’em actually.  Doc says because I am so skinny, she can’t miss them.  They are up and down my neck, I have swollen axillary nodes on both sides and also in my groin area and my thighs.  I hate them, I hate feeling them.  There is nothing that can be done right now, she just notes that they are there and the sizes and watches them every 6 weeks.  The bigger problem is my liver.  It’s got some new pains and is acting up.  My scans have been moved up to February to see what the heck is going on.  I was going to be scanned at the end on March but something doesn’t feel right.  So, we decided to let me have surgery on February 2 and then run all my tests and scans afterwards.  I honestly don’t want anymore stress before going into the operating room.  I know the cancer is there, it’s not like it is ever going to go away completely.  My liver functions aren’t too bad but my oncologist told me she will not go by those numbers with me, they have never indicated disease even when my liver was flooded with tumors.  One of my tumor markers has doubled in the last three weeks and this is the first time anything close to that has happened.  That of course, in itself, makes me lose sleep.  My oncologist will not put me through a PET scan because she knows there are cancer cells floating somewhere, I have metastatic breast cancer, its systemic.  I like that, my treatment wouldn’t change anyways and I don’t need the added stress.  So, my bone scans and CT scans will be take place the week after surgery and I am completely okay with that.

I also had chemotherapy yesterday which I did not recover very well from.  Back pain, liver pain and physical emotional pain from treatment led to a giant cryfest last night.

Not going to lie, part of me wants to say “eff it” to all the hard work I have put into this.  Meaning, I would totally go eat a greasy pizza and a bag of skittles and actually have an adult beverage.  A beer or a glass of wine sounds fabulous.  All of those things sound great but I know my body would suffer tremendously.  I don’t take such good care of myself and keep my body clean and alkaline because I think I am going to cure my cancer.  I do what I do to make living with cancer easier.  I have gotten rid of all the inflammation in my body by cutting out acids and eating a clean, raw diet.  My energy level is great considering the amount of toxic poison I have flowing throw my veins.  My skin is healthy and not like paste or chalk.  My belly is functioning perfect 🙂  I would never go back to eating meat, dairy, soy, processed foods and refined sugars.  I certainly don’t want to drink booze.  Like I said, I do what I do to make living with a terminal cancer and permanent treatments easier on my body.  I guess you could say that maybe I just want to feel normal, like everyone else.  I’m lucky right now that I have treatment every three weeks, I look back and have no idea how I did it weekly.

I’m not a hero or superwoman.  Although, I like to make my kids think that I have super powers.  I don’t want them to think they can get away with things when I have eyes in the back of my head.  The reality of life with cancer is much different than what I portray when someone sees me walking down the street.  I have pain and fear that I fight everyday along with the actual malignancies.  The treatments also cause pain and fear that I have to fight and shake off.  Basically, the alternatives to being strong and brave, are weak and fearful.  Those suck.  I guess that I have built up a physical and emotional tolerance and have ACCEPTED WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE.

I must admit that my treatments and carrying around all that I do definitely affects my mood and sometimes I am “not me”.  Sometimes (more so often these days) I want to be alone and sometimes I want to be surrounded by people.  I absolutely have complete breakdowns and lose my shit.  I am not a machine.  I am, in fact, a very broken human being.  Please forgive me if I act different sometimes.  While I have accepted what I have to live with, I haven’t completely accepted what the people who love me have to live with.  My family needs support and they have been blessed to have it from the beginning.  I take nothing for granted and I am thankful for life.  I am not thankful for terminal cancer.


on a happier note…..

Scott and I had the honor of attending a wedding on Saturday night.  So beautiful! An old friend married her long time love and we were there to witness it and share in the love.  We shared a special dance with the bride and groom. It was so special and we were so honored to be a part of it. Thanks Eileen and Dan, we wish you the happiest of all together and you are two amazing people.

This is a picture of Scott and I with Hannah and Izzy before we went to the wedding.
This is a picture of Scott and I with Hannah and Izzy before we went to the wedding.
This is our wedding selfie! So fun!
This is our wedding selfie! So fun!

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