I know it’s been apparent to the people close to me that I have been struggling over the past few days. I have still put on my big girl pants and have taken care of my world and my responsibilities. As a mom, I like to think that my kids think I am invincible and have mom super powers. Clearly, I need to give more credit where credit is due. While I was almost at the end of my rope, my little Hannah comes skipping out of nowhere, hands me a card she made and then skips off, smiling and singing.
As the days pass so quickly, I tend to forget about the “little ears”. They are now becoming “bigger ears” and hearing the word “cancer” over and over and over and over. My goodness, I can’t even imagine what goes on in their little brains. While I have always talked to my children about doctors and chemo and medicine and side effects and some other things that no child should have to learn about, I guess I haven’t given them as much credit as they deserve when it comes to their understanding and comprehension. I get it now. I GET IT THAT THEY GET IT. Sometimes I think I have just failed at parenting because 1) I have Cancer and 2) I have Cancer. I know, I know, stupid, but I could never put in words how it actually feels to kiss your child goodnight and then close the door with the guilty feeling that you have put the world on their little shoulders to carry around. The pressure of having a “sick” mom. It is real. My two little babies are the strongest and bravest little people I have ever met. Stronger and braver than me, for sure. I am so proud and know they will do great things in this world. My children have old souls and you can look in their eyes and see that. They are my miracles and when I am struggling, I know now they can see right through the façade and I am so blessed.
The countdown is on. 2 weeks from today……………………..