I had my meeting with my oncologist, who is the bomb because I am a terrible patient, and got examined up and down. My bone scan looked good and came back stable as we hoped. The chemo and aromatase inhibitor drugs that I am on are causing some degenerative changes in my joints which are very painful but I will absolutely take that over cancer progression. My lymphnodes are still the same but they aren’t causing me any problems so treatment is going to stay the same. Boobs, liver, bones and brain are all behaving and staying under radar which is fantastic news. It may only give me peace and hope for another 12 weeks but that is 12 weeks I may not have had before. Every 3 weeks, I will get my chemo infusion and some bone juice and be on my way until the next staging scans in 3 months.
September came so quick. I think I even saw some leaves changing color. Our pool is still open and the kids still jump in to cool off after school.
The kids aren’t the only ones who are experiencing firsts with all this school stuff. Its a little terrifying for me as well. New school, new teachers, new friends and parents. I have to start off the school year by having a meeting with the school nurse, letting her know “our situation.” How do I tell the parents of their friends? I don’t anyone to feel sorry for them. Do I just act like nothing is different in our family even though I act like a crazy person with sanitizer and hand washing in my home because cold and flu season is around the corner and I DO NOT want to spend weeks at a time in the hospital because someone sneezes near me when my counts are low? Honestly, I am always terrified that my kids will get looked at funny or treated differently because their mom is “sick.” I don’t ever want them to feel different. They don’t have any friends who have had a mom go totally bald because of chemotherapy. They don’t have any friends that have a parent that has a port sticking out of her chest, that is now a permanent fixture. They don’t have any friends that have a parent go to the doctor all the time and have so many “appointments” like I do. I will always have cancer and I will always have to be in treatment. This concept is still hard for them to grasp but they are so well adjusted to it now.
Last night, I was having my typical nerves shot about treatment and I was kind of complaining to Scott telling him that I didn’t want to have chemo today. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I looked right at him and said “This is never going to stop”.
His instant response to me was “I hope not.”
I had nothing to say to him after that. I just laid there and thought about how lucky I was.
I am still determined to be cheerful and to be happy in whatever situation I may be, for I have also learnt from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions and not upon our circumstances.
Today, when my FIVE year old got off the bus, I asked her “How was school today, baby”? And THEN she asked – “How was chemo today”? Not sure I will ever get used to my kids asking me that but it is our life.
I will end this short post with this…
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting outside with Hannah and Izzy at the naval shipyard in Boston. It was very windy on the coast. For the first time in 2 years, I actually had hair blowing in my face and I could feel the wind through my hair. I know this may seem silly to some but its a huge accomplishment for me. Its not just about having hair on my head, its about what I have been doing to get that hair back on my head.
God bless and Goodnight. xo